Because of You

2006's
I can't believe he wanted to contact me by email..ha....I know you don' t want to see me..I don't want to see you either....you are not a victim..I am!! ok?? You lost your phones several times..I paid for them...I paid for your air ticket to LA...I paid for your rents and phone bill several times...You even stole my credit card to buy online porno!!! How could you forget all you've done to me?? How could you think I am the one who's wrong?? If you at least pay me back some dollars...maybe I will let the whole thing go..but you didn't give me shit!! if you think calling your parents was wrong..i am telling you..you left me no choice...you always make ppl gone crazy then blame on their craziness...You are the craziest person I've ever met!!! Don't know what's in your mind..don't know how your conscience judge things...I will wait what you gonna say to me...I knew you too well...and I will sit down and see how you gonna face me!!

My ex boyfriend is the worst, worst, worst person I've ever met...I am so shamed of knowing him..I never felt this prideless....ever.....I can't believe all I've done for him these years...he still can't take this responsibility after we broke up...He has no repect to me.....no repect...sometimes he makes me feel like a piece of shit...only me...he only treated me like this....only me...I wonder why those girls liked him...and I wish those girls luck!! maybe he will treats them better than me....I gave him all I have...but what i got?? what i got?? he is a lier..a cheater....i can't believe he pays to talk to those porn girls....i can't believe he pays to watch online porn shows...what's so fun about it? his parents offer him 1500 USD per month!! he just sits there and got free money to spend...i didn't even make that much after tax-deduction.....he still has no left over to pay me back!! since feb!! it's almost a year now..he didn't pay me back shit..not even a quarter!! and now he is saying he only owes me half of it...piece of shit...if he spends his 1500 dollars every month easily and has no saving..then why he thinks he can't owe me 1400 ?? yeah..it's always easier to spend other ppl's money that yourself's ..he is soo selfish...so selfish....I can't belive I used to love him that much...what the fuck is wrong with me?? he has not guts to return my call b/4 he comes back..he thinks i will just gonna let it go?? i was..i really was ...but right now after I heard your lies..?? hell no...i am not gonna let it go...i want my money back..i want my pride back..i want my love back...i want everything I spent on you back...i can't let you cheat on me like this...you never felt guilty?? you never felt bad?? you never felt that you are the worst bf in the world?? How do you go to sleep at night?? how?? hanging out with those "going-to-the-jail friends" don't help..and you knew it!! if you really love them that much..i wish you were arrested by FBI at that night..so you will "really" learn what you have right now is priceless....

I don't wanna see him...but i have to...i will get so fucked up after i see him..i knew it...but i will face it this time...i will get hammered and wake up next day free...i am so ready to start a new life without him in my memories now..

I get to meet with shinko and Denise today~~and we had lunch at tepenyaki.....such a joyful lunch...we haven't talk since september...she is here for Bi. Everyone is crazy about him. well...I can't wait to see his concert too!! yick....can't stand long now...too old....last weekend killed all my energy....my legs are sored...my feet hurted....i got blister and callus all over my feet...ALL OVER MY FEET!!! crap....don't know why i was doing this...who cared??

今年是我第一次跟家人一起過聖誕...也是單身後第一次過聖誕....X'mas對我來說~~somehow不是always那麼pleasant....以前一到這種節日..我就要開始傷腦筋要給他買甚麼...去年他生日買了一個他想要的皮大衣....聖誕節買了他想要的le brown james球鞋.....連帶他的grand ma跟cousin都一起送了點小心意...這是做人吧?? 做人就是要懂的適當時候給點好處.....他有心無意說想要的東西...我都偷偷記在心裡...等著給他驚喜....我一直以為這樣是幸福...但不知不覺中..這已經成為了負擔....我一昧的付出...得到的小回應...四年來經年累月...已經把我壓的非常不快樂...但當時我並不知道我自己不開心..還一直以為他快樂我就好....傻呀!!這種想法.....

well....last time i updated this shit was back then...when?? mora~~~mora~~~(in Korean..means don't know)..I really like my Korean teacher..she is soo funny..compared to that bitch?? 10000 times better!!

Santa~~
3 more days til x'mas.....is he back yet? i don't know..i don't have guts to call...i want to hand this trouble to my mom...but i know my mom too well..she will goes crazy....i don't want to see that....

sigh
I dreamed of everyone last night...we were at this apt where everyone was talking to each other..just like the old party..just like the old days...steve was there talking...rena and laney were there talking...allen was there talking...then his face showed up....I forgot what we were talking about..but certainly wasn't something precious...our faces both looked sad...then I tried to run away from the conversation...then he tried to talk to me...then i woke up....heart pain again! I guess this dream thing will always happen once a while..and it will ruins ur day...then continue on...my sister told me I need a year..it's like a spell...she spent one year to cover her pass...so I still got 4 more months to go..we broke up b/4 valentine's...now it's only october...my birthday month..ha!

young gunz!!
newyork, to seoul, this is, the rock dizzle c'mon
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Don't
I know that you have something that you don't want to tell me..and I understand...but at least try to be honest with me when i ask you about it...I really hope you will stop doing that thing....I really hope that you will keep your promise...I know it's hard for ppl to change their old habbits..but you should be ready to start your new life now...it's been too long...you have to stop giving urself excuses...stop spending time and money on those stupid internet things...stop messing around with the girls who are no help....I meant it...you kept telling me that you are seeing no one..but..hey..I really hope that you will find someone better than trash!! I know something is up but i don't wanna know and i don't want to get hurt...that's why i didn't bring it up...

social skills...
well...from what i 've heard...i really don't think that i "have to" work on my ppl skills...i didn't kiss you guys' asses that didn't mean i didn't have social ability....i didn't talk to you it's b/c i didin't wan to..i didn't go out with you it's b/c i didn't want to..maybe you ppl met a lot of chicks that flirts with you like crazy...but i am not one of those kind....i could flirt with you when i am drunk...i can flirt with you when i feel like to..but you ppl can't tell me to work on my social skills just b/c that!!sigh....that's why i don't like to hang out with ppl who i don't know long...i didn't want to give you wrong impressions...so i kept distances b/w us...that wasn't wrong...you old basterds...